Adjusting to studying aside, my biggest bugaboo is practice teaching. I'm doing alright. Things are a damn far sight better than they were the very first weekend, when I was freaked out beyond all imaginable get out over the idea of practice teaching *already*. I can, for instance, speak. Words will come out of my mouth! But there is still this thing that I do that I need to stop doing:
I cross my legs. Not casually. I tie myself into an X, looking rather like I'm gearing up to take Eagle, and root myself in place. It's a security thing, but it's a habit I need to overcome. Until this started, I wasn't aware of how much I do it; once aware, I thought it would be easy to stop.
Last night, I flew solo on my practice teaching to work with video (you're not seeing it). My thinking is that knowing I am being taped will help me break this tendency - and it FINALLY worked. I didn't cross my legs at all. But I damned well rooted myself in place and taught via semaphore. That was new. Apparently, I am quite determined to do *something*, and that is what my subconscious chose to do. For twenty minutes, I stood stock fucking still from the waist down and looked like a cheerleader directing an airplane from the waist up. And I was commanding about it, too. I bloody well meant everything I was saying, and I meant it LOUD. My determination to not cross my legs came up in my voice. At one point, I taught to the ceiling, looking very, very intense and sounding as though I was performing an exorcism. It was something.
(I mean it. You're not seeing it.)
So I'm rethinking how hard I'm being on myself about this. Maybe I need to let myself move some, right? Like, it's obvious I want to be doing something other than just standing there. I am a highly animated person, unless I'm feeling shy, which is when I tie myself up in a knot for comfort. (That I found yoga is keenly ironic, no?) It's either let myself move about, or tie my hands to my sides and duct tape my feet to the floor, which would probably lead to me using my head and throwing my neck out - - or might result in a bizarre form of writhing bodily Houdini-ish performance art-esque expression best left to the imagination.
Bottom line - I'm going to stop making this so damned hard. But I'm also going to hide the duct tape from myself. Enjoy your weekend!